Don’t touch that dial!

I remember it like it was yesterday. Well, it was almost yesterday – more like a couple of days ago. I was here at my computer. Alice was in the living room, but the computer room door was open, and I could hear her solving the puzzles on “Wheel of Fortune.” More about that later.

Anyway, just as there was a burst of applause from the TV, affirming Alice’s latest solution, I saw it: “Oprah Winfrey is flirting with a run for the presidency.” Later that evening, I saw a clip on TV which sort-of confirmed this.

Now, after reading what I’m about to write on this matter, some may label me pro-Trump. Others may label me anti-Oprah, or anti-women, or anti-black. After all, this is a wildly labeling culture we live in today.

Trouble is, I am none of those things. I’m just someone who’d like to see a little common sense come back into politics. And here’s my thought: Another celebrity president? Really? Is this what we’ve come to, at long last?

And don’t anyone go pooh-poohing at the very idea of Oprah, or Ellen, or Honey Boo Boo for that matter, running for president. Remember back in 2015? How many people really believed The Donald would run? Or much less, win?

Is my quest for common sense hopeless? Probably.

So, I surrender. If you can’t beat ‘em, etc. Having said that, I now say, listen up, knuckleheads. I’ve got the answer to this whole thing. Presidential elections are a mess. Both the winning and losing sides have claimed fraud and finagling and all kinds of awful stuff. And they’re probably all right.

The solution is easy: Let’s stop having elections.

From now on, let the presidency be decided by the Nielsen ratings. That’s right; whoever has the best TV ratings is instantly named the president. Actually, if that was the way things had been done since the beginning of television, we might have had some extremely interesting presidents.

And not all of them would have been men. Oh sure, Milton Belle and Jackie Gleason might have been in there, maybe even Captain Kangaroo and Howdy Doody. But there was also Lucille Ball, Mary Tyler Moore and Carol Burnett, to name a few. And that’s barely scratching the surface.

Why, given the right set of circumstances, Pat and Vanna might even get their turn, if only for a little while. Yes, as fickle as viewers can be, we wouldn’t be hearing any more cry of “term limits,” because every “rating sweeps” would have the potential of producing an entirely new administration.

So hang in there, Pat and Vanna. And Oprah.

•••••

I went and did it: I bought myself a chocolate bunny. I do it every year, because usually no one gives me one, alas. I have to have at least one.

Chocolate bunnies are only available around Easter time, and that’s a shame. Seems to me there’s something magical about being in the shape of a bunny rabbit that makes chocolate taste even better.

I used to find one in my Easter basket every year. It was my favorite thing. Second was the jelly beans, particularly the licorice flavored ones. After that was the orange flavored ones. Lemon ones were okay. I’d try to swap the lime ones for someone else’s licorice. Eggs? Well, they’re the topic of another column altogether. I’ll give you a preview in one word – yuck.

But I will enjoy my chocolate bunny. And yes, the ears go first.

•••••

Well, here it comes, the Time Cops are going to do it to us again. This Sunday, we all “Spring Forward.”

What a load of bunk. My body will know that it’s really an hour earlier when that alarm goes off.

The very term, “Daylight Saving,” is deceptive, because anyone with a brain knows that changing the clock isn’t really doing anything. During their busiest times, farmers work from can to can’t, not according to whether they’re on Daylight Saving or Standard.

Anyway, and this has long been an argument of mine: If they wanted to “save daylight,” then why don’t they have Daylight Saving in the winter, when the days are shorter and a little more daylight might be welcome? Makes sense to me, which is probably the very reason they don’t do it.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: David Nichol is a freelance writer who recently retired from the Times-Herald. He can be contacted at nicholdb@cablelynx.com.)