(Editor’s note: Below is an exclusive copy of a speech written by President Donald Trump, prepared for a weekend rally, regarding his progress on a number of current issues. The speech was obtained through nefarious means by the senior Times-Herald satire reporter)
“Isn’t this great, folks? Can you believe this? Look at this crowd, amazing crowd, probably the best crowd I’ve seen all year – a lot of people in here, a lot of people pouring in. Let’s get them in here, can we fire marshals? And no protestors, can you believe that? Secret Service, they just told me, no protestors. Believe me.
“I’m thrilled to be here with you tonight, people, beautiful people – all you hardworking, beautiful patriots. And you know what folks? I’m here to tell you something. Do you want to hear it? Should I tell them? Okay, folks, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you what a great job we’re doing – am I right? Me and my wonderful Vice President, Mike – he’s great isn’t he, folks? This whole administration, people tell me, it’s like the best administration they’ve seen in, probably, forever, honestly. No flaws here, none. Right, folks?
“You won’t hear the lying media say that; that I can tell you. Of course not, they’re nasty people. They really are. They tell so many lies, so many lies – very dishonest folks, believe me. They’re all those losers up there with the cameras. Yeah, boo them, that’s right. Take a swing at ‘em if you can reach them. Just kidding, folks. Next thing you know, they’ll be saying ‘oh, Trump incites violence, Trump said hit us, wah wah wah.’ Give me a break. I would like to, though, let me tell you.
“They’re truly dishonest, folks, believe me. They’re dishonest in the media and the fake news. They don’t want me to make America great again, they really don’t. They make up these stories, so many fake stories. I don’t understand these people. They won’t just take my word for anything, these people, always talking about facts and what not. Why would I lie? I’m the president; I won.
“These dishonest people say my good friend Rex Tillerson – such a good guy, Rex – they said he called me a moron. Can you believe that? My IQ is amazing, let me tell you. So many people, historians even, say how smart I am, so many people. I’m smart, okay.
“And Tillerson never called me a moron. It never happened – that I can tell you. They won’t report what really happened, so I’m going to tell you. Is that okay? We were eating ice cream, me and Rex – and Rex loves ice cream, okay. I was putting sprinkles on his ice cream and I asked him, I said, ‘Rex, do you want more sprinkles?’ and he says, ‘yes, Donnie’ – he calls me Donnie – he said, ‘yes, Donnie, that’s such a smart idea, can you please put some more on.’ And that’s it, folks. I don’t want to bore you with this stuff, the truth, but someone’s got to say it. Am I right? None of them tells the truth, seriously, people. Except Sean Hannity. Right? I love that guy; he’s so handsome. Not as handsome as me, but the guy is good looking, okay.
“And these nasty people, these journalists, they say I did bad on Pwertow Reeco. Give me a break. I did so much for these ungrateful people. Am I right? And I’ll tell you something right now, these dirty people – let me tell you – these people should be happy about the hurricane. I’m serious folks, that place was dirty. I really believe that hurricane cleaned it up. I think they’re better off – that I can tell you. It even looks better now, folks. I told Eric and Don Jr. to look at building a beautiful tower there. Those people should be grateful. Probably won’t, though, but we’ll see. They’re so disrespectful.
“And you know who else is disrespectful, folks? Those awful, overpaid football players, that’s who. Believe me. They make all that money here in our amazing, beautiful country, but they don’t want to respect our flag? Well you know what, folks, we’re going to take care of those losers.
“We’re ripping out the First Amendment. That’s right. It’s so outdated, am I right? Oh, these fake news idiots and the loser football players, they’ve ruined it for everybody else. That I’ll tell you. Who needs the First Amendment when everybody knows the Second Amendment is by far the best amendment in the book. It’s like I always say, ‘first’s the worst and second’s the best’ – that’s what I’m always saying.
“We’re going to make these nasty people honor the flag, I promise you. I’ve even spoke with Mitch McConnell, little Mitch – he kind of looks like turtle, doesn’t he, folks? Little Mitch the turtle – I’ve spoken to little Mitch and he actually agrees with me on this. We’re going to put our foot down, bigly. Let me tell you, and I have pretty big feet, okay? I will not have these losers disrespecting our troops. These great, wonderful troops, they didn’t fight for the First Amendment, folks. They fought to be honored, okay?
“Speaking of troops, that John McCain is a real creep – am I right? Such a loser, folks. He looks like an uncooked buttermilk biscuit rolled in white dog hair – that I can tell you. He’s not loyal at all; and believe me, I like my war heroes loyal to me.
“I’ll tell you who else wasn’t loyal: Obama. That’s right. He wasn’t loyal to America, not at all, folks. I’ve had people tell me, very knowledgable people, they say he didn’t even serve his second term. Can you believe this? All four years was a hologram, hologram Obama. You know where real Obama was? You guessed it. Kenya. You can’t make this up people, you can’t even if you tried.
“But I’m real, right? Look at me, folks. From the top of my head to the size 16 Salvatore Ferragamo shoes on my feet – seriously, they were special ordered – I’m all real, no fake. And I’ll be here working on behalf of you, the silent majority. This I can tell you. If you think we’re winning now, folks, just wait. The winning just started. There’s so much more winning; believe me. And I know you beautiful people will give me a second term in 2020; I just know it, you beautiful people. I love you all; you’re so beautiful. Especially you, there in the front.
“And before I go, folks, let me tell you. We’re going to do so good on healthcare, and we’re going to do even gooder on taxes. Just you wait, folks.”
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Caleb Talley is a member of the Times-Herald news staff. He may be contacted at 870-633-3130 or by email at email@example.com.)