This happens twice every year, and twice every year I rail against it. But the Time Cops keep winning. I’m speaking, of course, of the upcoming time change.
It happens this Sunday, folks.
You know who the Time Cops are, don’t you? They’re a much scarier threat than all the black helicopters in the universe They’re the ones who keep managing to cause months or parts of months to totally disappear.
Ever wonder why Christmas seems to come two or three times a year any more? Why birthdays seem to come sooner every year? Why October practically disappeared before anyone got a chance to even acknowledge that it was here? That’s the work of the Time Cops.
But by far the most egregious offense committed by the Time Cops happens in the spring and fall of each year. First, everyone has to “spring forward” into the dishonestly-named Daylight Saving Time, by setting our clocks forward one hour. Why is it dishonest? Because it doesn’t save anything. It just changes what the clock says. There’d still be the same amount of daylight whether it’s Daylight Saving or Standard Time.
And this Sunday, we all have to “fall back,” meaning we set our clocks back an hour. For what? So it can be full night at 5 p.m.?
Frankly, I wouldn’t mind it being full night at 5 p.m. during fall and winter, if I didn’t have to put up with getting sunburned at 8 p.m. in June and July.
Seems to me, that if they really wanted to save daylight, they got it backwards. Some of that daylight that’s supposedly being “saved” during the summer would come in handy during December.
But that’s just it – nothing’s actually being saved.
And although I’m retired now, I still have a class or two I have to get up for on some mornings.
Besides, I haven’t forgotten what it was like back when I was a full-time slave of the clock. My body would be all adjusted to sleeping a particular number of hours, and waking up at a particular time in the morning. Suddenly, my alarm would go off, and my body would know it’s wasn’t 6:30 a.m., but really 5:30. However, it made no difference, because I had to get up anyway. According to Daylight Saving, 5:30 was now 6:30.
Likewise, I would get adjusted to this new time, and then the change back to Standard Time would come, like it is this Sunday. I would wake up a full hour before the alarm went off, unable to get back to sleep because my body was telling me it was 6:30. But according to the decree from the Time Cops, it was only 5:30.
Arizona (except for the Navajos) and Hawaii do not observe Daylight Saving, and neither do some American territories. They told the Time Cops what to go do with themselves. Why can’t we?
And while we’re at it, let’s see if we can make them stop stealing months or partial months. If we don’t, I can practically assure you it’ll be Christmas in a couple of weeks, and we’ll just think we ate turkey on Thanksgiving.
Hate to be so cynical, but, well........
Let’s just say that the recent firing (well, “mutually agreed parting of the ways”) of a high profile head football coach from a high profile college team in a high profile conference was not altogether unexpected.
What got me going was a statement by the athletic director of this high profile institution. He gave the usual gushing praise for the outgoing coach (translation: We’re giving him the ignominious bum’s rush but what a great guy) and then went on to say something like this (and I’ll have to paraphrase because I don’t have a recording or a copy of the statement): “The most important thing is the players.”
I almost threw up. Why? I shall explain:
Once one gets into this high profile football business, the most important thing, the only thing, in fact, is the “win” column. I know there are recruiting scandals and cheating scandals, I know there are things which may hurt the sensibilities or offend the morals of some institutions. Having said that, I submit that the “won-lost” column has cost more coaches their jobs, than all those other things put together.
I further submit, that if this particular high profile football team was undefeated, with a high national ranking and a chance to go to the conference championship game, not to mention the playoffs, the coach would still be the coach, the fans would be happy, and the administration would be happy. Even if the administration didn’t much like the coach, winning is, after all, winning. I believe it was former Oakland Raiders Coach John Madden who once said, “Winning is a great deodorant.”
Here’s another quote I remember, from former Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden: “If you don’t think every game’s important, lose a couple.”
In other words, if it’s a high-profile school, and you’re being paid a lot of high profile dollars, you ain’t there to win the Nobel Peace Prize, bro. You better win football games. A lot of football games.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: David Nichol is a freelance writer who recently retired from the Times-Herald. He can be contacted at email@example.com.)